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Cashew Lou's Yukon Annex

I've got Pop-Pop in the attic.

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Starting over
As some of you may have seen in my extremely ill-advised post yesterday, I have become exceptionally burned out on furry as of late. The rest of this post will be hidden behind an LJ-cut for those of you who honestly could care less to just skip over.

All I could see of furry last night was a haze of hate, shallowness, petty angst and backstabbing--you get the idea. Anyone who has been in furry for more than about ten minutes knows the fandom is rife with it, and more. I admit freely I have contributed to a lot of this negativity. I don't care for that to continue.

Folks I thought were friends have spun around and attacked me lately. I don't have enough time to justify myself to those people; I know I have issues. I am working very hard on them, and have been for over 15 years. What I failed to recognize last night was that I do have some very strong friendships that were forged in the furry fandom. I lumped them in with the 95% of the fandom that really is worthless to me. So in attacking the majority of furry, I mistakenly hurt the few in the fandom I honestly care for.

My focus from here on out will be twofold: first, I need to get myself better physically, emotionally and spiritually. The majority of furry does not help me achieve this goal. I will still be around (thanks to a good friend who helped "talk me off the ledge" and kept me from @toading my character permanently--a process that was very much underway), but in a considerably reduced capacity.

What does this mean? On the mucks and IM, it will remain more or less the same, though with considerably reduced wf and buddy lists. This reduction will happen with attrition, considering I have taken my web page down. Folks who liked the page, and not the person, will peel off and fade away.

I haven't decided whether or not the page will be back; I have found it has defined who I am to the fandom for five years now, and complete strangers have assumed the right to dictate to me what its content should be. In tandem with that, complete strangers have decided they know who I am through second- and third-hand information from others--and many of them don't know me, either. I am no prize, but I am not the asshole many of these faceless, gutless strangers have made me out to be. Those of you who actually know me--and my nearly non-existent level of self-esteem--know that is an extremely bold statement for me to make. I generally don't have the guts to stick up for myself as I should.

Secondly, I need to concentrate on the friends I do have in furry. I committed a horrible disservice to you all last night, and to you guys--and you know who you are--I am profoundly sorry. How you have put up with me for eight years and not told me to take a flying fuck at the moon, I will never know. But I am glad you have; your friendships are what sustain me a good majority of the time.

I am not perfect; hell, I am not that good a person. But I need to learn to live with and like myself--and I appreciate those who stick by me despite my sometimes overwhelming issues.

At least you had folks concerned about your leaving. I think I only had 3 people notice, much less care about my leave from FM.

Actually, only two people responded to my message or the taking down of my page with any honest concern. It can be both a curse and a blessing that in furry, people are forgotten and cast aside very casually and quickly.

You're certainly not the first person to want to tell everyone to just "get bent" (family friendly wording, of course).

I don't know what precipitated last night's post, but there was obviously a good reason. There is a point where you have to sit back and examine who your real friends are and who aren't. I've seen the backstabbing, the angst, the shallowness, and there are plenty of people who are always certain that they know who you are and what's best for you.

There was a point at which I had to prioritize my life, and although furry continues to play a large part of it, I will not have my life dictated by other people, nor am I going to worry about what's going on "in the fandom," because in the end, it's just a fandom. Whether your relationship to the fandom is great, or whether it sucks, when the smoke clears, you're still left with you.

I'm guessing that at some point, (if it hasn't happened already), I'll become a persona non grata in the fandom, and if I haven't done anything IRL, I'm going to be at the same point as where I started 8 years ago. So, my take on the situation is that you keep the friends that like you for you, and the rest of them can all get bent.

I should have seen the warning signs when total strangers were referring to me as "famous" in the furry fandom. I have learned this is a severe liability and not an asset. "Fame" in furry means you have a lot more maladjusted strangers who think they know you. I would rather have five close, genuine friends than 500 acquaintances who don't really know me, or don't care to.

I agree with you, Lobo; I am looking forward to becoming persona non grata again, to becoming a nobody in furry. It's much more comfortable.

This is why I don't muck...

and, sorry I haven't been chatting with ya much, comrade :[

No need to apologize; my approachability factor has been extremely low, lately.

I've always just backed off when people breakdown on the internet. I don't forget but I feel worse being one of the crowd, throwing sympathy away like it was tissues.

I know that action may not make me 'friend of the year' by anyones standards, but I somewhat expect that if someone wants to discuss something maturely, to come and ask me my opinion.

But I noticed, and I was genuinely worried and curious. I'm glad everything's cool now, even though some things have changed.

Well, things aren't fully cool now--something this damaging can't be undone overnight--but I would like to feel that maybe just this once I am taking the correct course of action.

Warmest hugs my friend.

All I can tell you is that the times we've spent together before and after Anthrocon, chatting, watching movies together, talking about the greats in animation, voice overs, old time radio, movies in general, have been very special to me. You've been great company on your visits here. The memories of those times are dear to me, from my first time watching Balto with you and anticipating the scene with the Wolf Spirit, to figuring out that Bob 'n' Doug are Guild 'n' Stern. ;)

Thank you, my friend.

Warmest hugs.

I don't consider it a secret that you are one of the chief reasons I give the furry fandom the time of day, my friend. You are one of the few who keep me here, and I wouldn't trade your friendship for all the gold in Fort Knox.


You are chalking up a lot to furry. Shallowness and backstabbery is a human thing, and is not exclusive to furry.

But it is far more rampant, more common, and damned near a sense of pride goes with in in furry.

Just learn to take a breather every once n' a while, I know it does me a world of good. N' I'd hafta agree w/ Chris's post above, its more of a humanity thing in general. :)

Glad to hear yer doin' all right, was gonna e-mail ya if a post like this wasn't forthcomin'.

This is more a retooling of my whole profile in the furry fandom than a breather, but I appreciate your support.

But I still maintain that furry is a very concentrated form of the negativity in humanity, with a much lower percentage of the good that general society contains.

*hugs* I think your plan is a good one, it's a good idea to purge every now and them, i seem to do that systamatically just to keep myself sane. Like yo a good number of my close frineds were met through the fandom , and i can scarcly see seperating myself from it completly.. but i find it best to ignore most of what goes on, blissfully ignorant of all "teh drama"..
And remember.. I'm always here to talk, if ya need it ;3
Love ya! and miss ya..

I miss you, too; I wish you were here face-to-face to talk to. You always took me at face value as a human being with faults, and as a friend despite them. I never really considered you as "furry" so much as a genuine friend; you never carried the judgmental, jump-to-conclusions-on-someone-else's-opinion kind of mindset that pervades the fandom.

You are another in the 5% that protects me from the 95%.

know how ya feel, Lou *hugs* thats why you don't see me around much. sometimes ya gotta back away or risk losing what inspired you to be here in the first place.

I know I may have only shared a few words and whatnot with you, but I do support your opinion of whatever you want to do to relieve the stress. I know I say little and whatnot, but with what 2 or so chances I did talk with you, I enjoyed them.

I believe overall people have their faults and although not easily conveyed to others that they try their best to overcome them, they do. Heck I have my own. Mostly occurs with depression. Still, I've shaken myself out of my own funk.

I guess what I do mean to say is that I support your decision, and give you good will towards what you want to become in the future.

And strangely I always feel like I bungle up my words. Oh well, best wishes Lou!

No worries -- I figured you needed to blow off some steam, so I didn't reply. But, I want you to know that I still count you as a friend, and I hope you do the same for me, even though we don't chat much. :-)

Y'know, it's one of those "I'm there even if you can't see me" sorts of things. ;-)


You did upset me last night..but I figured if i just let you be then you would perhaps ease up a bit. *hugs* Ive always liked you from the first time I met you at AC back in 01. I was a bit upset to hear you were just gonna leave like that and i am sorry that I did not talk to you more last night. But from past experience I figure its just best to let others sort it out themselves.

*hugs tight*

I'm sorry I haven't been around for ye as much as I should. I havenae really been around that much for anyone lately. Personal issues have kept me away from instant messengers and MUCKs in general. I suppose part of it may be burnout, but I don't know. I just hope that soon my own will to RP and be around will return.

In the meantime, you do what you think is best. It's always better to just take a step back and take a break when you feel like the pressure is getting to be too much. After all, you're supposed to be here to have FUN.. and if you're not having fun, it just isn't worth being there.

Cool. :) Glad you're feeling better now. :)

*snug* Figured that's about what happened--must be something going around, you're not the only one in the fandom I've heard something like that from in the last two weeks.